From Ashes to Beauty

Crazy how fast time moves on. They say time heals all things. What I've learned is time only heals if you are moving forward with it. Otherwise, it heals nothing. Healing is a choice. A choice only I can make. 

It's been 2 years since the passing of my dad. It's been incredibly difficult at times. Having someone so close to you pass so suddenly brings on a roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes all at once. It changes you. If you're not careful, not always in a good way. The first year was overwhelmingly filled with anger. Some I'm sure noticed a difference in me. People, me included, have this assumption grief is reserved for funerals and memorials and then it gets buried with the passing. Not exactly how it works. With all life experiences grief is a process that becomes a part of your daily life. 

That first year I allowed the anger to take the lead. Angry that he was taken so young, 53.  Angry that people didn't feel and share the magnitude of my pain. Angry that I had a million questions, as stupid as some may have been, that would never get answered. Angry that people I felt should have reached out to me never did. Angry I had to help plan a memorial I didn't want to attend. Angry at myself for not calling and talking to him as much as I should have. Angry at God. I remember the day Charles Manson died at the age of 83, yelling at God. "You let that idiot live for that long and took my dad at 53! How is that fair?!" It wasn't. Because life isn't fair.

God never promised a fair happy filled life. Jesus, says very clearly in John 16:33, "In this world you will have trouble." You can take the buckets of coal life gives you and allow it to blacken, dull and rough you up or you can take that coal and polish it into diamonds. The choice is yours.

I am learning and choosing to move past the anger. There is treasure in the scars. You just have to shift your focus. I am focusing more on the gifts and blessings that his passing has left me. Yes he died at a young age. But he is no longer suffering any mental or physical pain. If you knew him you would understand. That alone is reason to be grateful. His passing has made me realize the importance of communicating with my mom more. I could go months without talking to them. Now it may be a couple days. Bittersweet actually. The ones you assume will show you support will show you who they really are. Pay attention. Then let it go. It's a gift! 

By far the best gift he has ever given me; that has taken me 20+ years to understand. Take the broken, chaotic, damaged secret messes of your life and turn it into a message. Every single one of us carry them. Don't allow yours to weigh you down. Find the treasure. Share your struggles and help lift others out of their pits. Turn your coal into diamonds.